A Cloudy Sunday

Hello there, Arch-Mates,

You are an independent person. At the same time, you would like to think that you are also a rational one. Despite the fact that many people around you—including the media—keep on trying to picture single people as miserable ones, you don’t think there is any problem with being alone. Sometimes, you even see it as some kind of liberation. Being alone means being unattached. In the end, it gives you more freedom to do anything anytime and anywhere you are without having to consider other people’s feelings and conditions. If you have never met your current partner, you would never think that a commitment for a life-long relationship is something for you. After all, with your being queer and the state keep on refusing to back up same-sex couples, marriage has never been an option.

But, then the reality starts to kick in.

Other people happiness had never bothered you before. Alas, it contributes on your own happiness. You are happy for them. Happy because they finally found the ones meant for them. Just like you, they finally discover that ironic truth: a life-long commitment would never bind them or strangle them to death. On the contrary, it would liberate them even more.

But, then, you log on to your social media account, and you start to feel that they are shoving all of their happiness to your face. They are announcing their wedding date, inviting you to come through those event apps. They are putting all that pre-wedding pictures up, along with the ones taken after, at the wedding and during their honeymoons. They are publishing all the thoughts that crossed their mind in every accounts that they have: Facebook, Twitter, Path, Instagram, Blogger… You name it. Every kiss, every miss, every fight, every fright, every moment of waking up and making up, all are bared for everyone to see—for everyone to give their supports and blessings. For the brides and the grooms to be. For the parents to be. For the little ones—each time they show their cute little faces to the world, each time they take their first steps, sounding their first words, having their first birthdays, entering their first schools…

Your heart clenches along with your teeth when you tried to force a smile, pasted it on your face, while your fingers are typing a “congrats” on the comment section. After all, you know that they would never do that for the purpose of hurting you. But, the reality still puts its grip on your heart tightly. They are married and you will never be.

With the majority still seeing your orientation as deviant, the fundamentalists will always have a lot of support to bash every thought of making your relationship legal. Thus, you hide. You are always forced to have an answer ready for every time they question the lack of a man at your side. You are always forced to keep that “trying to get an even higher education first” card at bay in every possibility of attending family gatherings or of coming home for the holidays. If you have a dollar for every time that boyfriend or marriage question was directed to you, you would be able to put a down payment for that apartment you’ve been dreaming of—or even pay it in full.

Now, more than five years had passed and, still, you can only introduce your life-partner as a friend—or as a best friend/roommate at best. And, when you realize that you need to keep it that way for only-God-knows how many more days, you start to avoid checking your social media accounts. Either that or having to explain to your partner why you feel like crying every time those little icon on the top right of your monitor showing that you get a new notification from a friend.

That, Arch-Mates, is what crossed my mind today.


*Cloudy Sunday, April 5th 2015


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